You know when good things start to happen ? Do you start getting nervous ?
I’m finding the excitement of the last week is waning, and my old friends worry and inadequacy are creeping in. I haven’t been in a work environment for four years. I haven’t had to meet a deadline, make myself function or (and this is the worst) talk in a worklike way for one thousand, four hundred and sixty days. I’m only just getting used to having a cat. My instinct is to hide, and start listening to the voice that says ‘you’re not good enough’ or ‘they’re just being kind’. This is easier than being bold and continuing to put myself out there. Obviously I’m not going to do this. Years of CBT have left me well trained to fight the negative thoughts, and bolster my determination to do this. It just feels a bit weird. I didn’t really like who I became in a work environment, and I don’t want to slip back in to those ways.
I’m still in limbo regarding my next steps for studying too; I don’t need the course to write, but I do need the discipline, either of a study schedule, or a competition deadline to make me shape my loose ideas into something tangible. I’m a little at sea.
Of course, in the midst of all this excitement, I haven’t made time to do the the very thing that calms and centres me. Write.