If at first you don’t succeed……

Stop.

Can I ?P1000465

I benefited from an education that equipped me with a profound sense of inadequacy, and absolutely no resilience. I think this is partly why I waited so long to start writing properly. What if this, the one thing I felt I was good at, failed too ? I have a long history of failed hobbies, instruments and ideas. The only things I’m really confident in are cooking, gardening and listening to people. And writing.

Ah, but this week. Two competition results. Not even shortlisted. As my dear voice of reason pointed out ‘it’s probably quite hard to win these, how many entries were there? ‘ I mumbled something about 1,300 other entries and tried not to look acknowledge this entirely reasonable fact. Reason has never been something I have allowed myself to be troubled by.

I want to win one, you see, to prove that the effort is worth it, to prove that people aren’t just being kind when they say they like what I write. I’ll ignore the fact that I only seriously began writing again eighteen months ago. I’ll ignore the fact that it takes years to get noticed, published, applauded. I’ll think about stopping.

And then, I wake up with another idea. With another story I want to tell. With the remnants of a ridiculous dream that might, just might be teased into a tale. And I grow brave, and strong and feel like the little train that could.

I want to win. I also want to write.

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4 thoughts on “If at first you don’t succeed……

  1. The fact that you have the urge and a love to write is reason enough to do it. The competitions are just a way of knocking on the door of opportunity. I am sure they are not the sole reason you love to write and should therefore not be the reason to stop doing something you are extremely good at find enjoyment in. I thoroughly enjoy reading your pieces. So, please continue to write and keep knocking on that door. Who knows what opportunities will come your way? Xxxx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. That’s a lot of entries !
    Who knows how close you were ? You were 100% closer to winning than all the people who talk about doing things, but never get round to it ..

    Liked by 3 people

  3. It’s horrible, that feeling of never being good enough or not even being noticed – I had it growing up with parents who weren’t interested in ‘me’ and now i regularly invite even MORE rejection by entering competitions – I think there’s a little masochist inside every writer! Onwards… 🙂

    Like

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